Toe The Line/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, leaving the guy in charge of watching the baby is always dangerous. They cry; they whine; they're always hungry; and they're too helpless to take care of themselves. And it's the same thing with the baby. It's a focus thing. There are very few things that a guy will stare at. And if he's married, there are even fewer. But one of 'em is whatever you got under the hood. For some reason a man is drawn to an open hood the same way a moth is drawn to my sock drawer. [ baby gurgling/crying ] those guys don't have a clue how that thing works, but neither one of 'em wants to be the first to admit it by looking away. [ crying ] now that my baby-sitters are in place, I can go grab a quick nine holes. [ siren blasting ] [ baby crying ] [ baby crying ] [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Got a bit of a problem this week up at the lodge. My wife bernice is in a line-dancing competition, and her partner is buster hadfield. You know, bernice tells me that I'm not a very good dancer. I always thought that I was light on my feet, but she says I'm pretty heavy on hers, so... Hi, uncle red. So what's the favour that you need? Hello, harold. How are you today? What's the favour? Can we not exchange pleasantries, a little greeting, is that too much to ask? I'm fine. What's the favour? [ sigh ] well, okay. Do you know what line dancing is? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's that show you always make fun of on tv. You know, you say it looks like a bunch of fat losers stepping on cockroaches. No, you know, that's just my sense of humour. Oh, ha! See, coz I always thought that humour had to be funny, so... Okay, harold, the point is... Your aunt bernice has always been nice to you when there's been no reason to, okay. Well, she has a problem. I'm looking at him. Harold, she's made it to the finals of the line dancing competition but now her partner's come down with the flu. Oh, and you want me to fill in! Yes! Am I the first person you asked? Absolutely. Boy, that's very nice. Thank you. But I can't. Ah, c'mon, harold, everybody else turned me down! Hey!! I dunno how to line dance! Any idiot can line dance. Is that you volunteering? Harold, c'mon, you gotta do this for me. I'll owe ya. You'll owe me huge! I'll owe you huge, harold. Oh, I love this. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is a 5% discount off the regular $150 ticket price to the possum lake historical museum, where our motto is: Your value is history. Okay, cover your things, uh, ed. Okay, mr green, you got 30 seconds to get animal control officer, ed frid, to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And go! Uh, okay, ed, how would you describe what you see a lot in your job as animal control officer? Ahhhhhhhhhh! No, no, no, okay, um... Okay, no, I'm talking about like roadkill. You see a dead raccoon on the road, what's that called? Justifiable homicide. No, okay, okay. Let's say my income was $100,000 before expenses, that would be my "something" income. Fabricated income. Okay, no, okay, when hollywood makes a movie, what do they expect to be really big? The... Oh, implants! Okay, no, okay. When you have 12 eggs, you have a dozen. But when you have 12 dozen eggs, you have a... Frat party! Uh, we're almost outta time, mr green. Yeah, okay, okay. Um, I want you to imagine old man sedgwick skinny dipping. What do you see? Shaved albino weasel? No, but remember you ran over a weasel last year with your lawn mower, you remember that? Uh, yeah, actually I spent a year in therapy trying to forget. Thank you, red. Okay, okay, okay. When you went to clean it up, it was just too... Much work. I figured, you know, I'd just wait until the grass grows over it. It's in there! I heard it! It's in there! Do you know what time it is? Well, unless you're on scheduled medication, it really doesn't matter. Welcome to harold's hobby house! Where my guest is bad-guy- turned-good-guy, mike hamar. Mike, tell us about your hobby. Okay, okay, well... I used to have a really great stamp collection for a while, but I decided to give it back to its legal owner in return for a reduced sentence. So now I like to collect things that tell a story. Old keys. Oh, okay. Keys from history. I like to say, every key unlocks a story. Every key unlocks a heart. Awwwww! That's so poetic! You've got a very deep soul. Did you create that yourself? I - I read it on a place mat. So are these historical keys, like castles and dungeons and famous buildings and... Uh, chastity belts? Uh, yeah, things like that, yeah. Except for the chastity belts, I decided to donate those to chastity. Ha, I think you mean you donated them to charity. No, charity was her sister. Actually, she was more popular because she gave tax receipts. Okay... Well, do you have any medieval keys, or... Well, as a matter of fact, uh, no. Do you have any famous building keys? Oh, uh, okay, how about a famous ivy league university? Yale. That's the lock company, mike. I thought you said these keys tell stories. Well, they do! Um, um, okay, um. Oh, yeah, this is the key to the liquor store. And this was the key to the handcuffs. Oh, this is the key to the cop car. Okay, okay, mike! These are just keys you used to commit crimes. Used to! Past tense. That's why I was always tense in the past. That key looks pretty new to me. And that one and that one and this o -- that's the key to my room! Oh, I may have brought the wrong bucket here. No, don't -- that's the key to my scooter, and that's the key to my briefcase. Mike, I'm gonna want these back. So make me an offer. Okay, I'm offering not to phone the police. That's the key phrase. [ cheers and applause ] you ever notice that when you have a car for a long time it starts to look like you? I've had this convertible for 30 years. And by now the top is so tattered you can see right through most of it. And you can't put a hat on a car. Oh, sure, I suppose you could just buy a new convertible top, if money is no object. But what if money is an object, a huge object? A huge, mysterious object that isn't part of your universe. Is a guy on a fixed income not supposed to have nice things? Not necessarily. Every handyman loves that new duct taped car smell. But there's a couple of drawbacks with this solution. On a windy day, your hair's going to stick to the inside of the roof. And when you go to put the top down, it sounds like you bending over in a rental tux. [ ripping sound ] but rather than get all depressed and decide the world is against you, and start hitting the booze and writing country songs, why not use this as a chance to upgrade? Because you know, there's something fancier and more luxurious than a convertible. It's called a hideaway hard-top, a removable roof. Step one: Go into your garage. [ clanging and banging ] or somebody's garage, and get yourself a garage door opener. Okay, next step is to remove the trunk lid. It's as easy as pie. Mind you, I don't bake. Oh! Hot! Hot! I decided to duct tape the garage door opener onto the hood rather than weld it on with the torch. Just seemed like a better idea and I took the rollers off the garage door and mounted them on the sides of my trunk lid. That way she'll be able to roll easily up and down the track. Now I just hook the cable onto the front edge here. Oh, look at that, a rust hole in exactly the right spot. Some things are just meant to be. And to bring the roof back when I want to go topless, I've got a bungee cord running off the back bumper. [ canada geese honking ] uh-oh! More threatening than rain... Canada geese. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you in a snazzy car. You know, as guys get older they tend to get crankier and they find that nobody wants to spend time with them. This is not a coincidence. People would rather bite into an apple than an onion, okay. So don't turn into a crabby, old dink. And don't tell me all your friends are dead. They're probably just using that as an excuse. Now, people may believe they have no control over their moods, but chances are you made yourself miserable, so you have to make yourself happy. Yeah, I know horrible stuff happened to you. A tornado flattened your house, somebody left the fridge door open. Horrible stuff happens to everybody. Look at harold. But maybe it's not that horrible. Sure you got more aches and pains, but those will prevent you from doing things that can really hurt you. Maybe you're an inch or two shorter than you used to be. But you've reduced your chances of being struck by lightning. No matter how bad things get just stop and think, hey, my pants aren't on fire. And smile a lot. There's only two times when you shouldn't smile... When there's a bad smell and any time your wife's not smiling. Often those occur simultaneously. So lighten up. If you don't have a joke, be a joke. Look at harold. The point is you wanna hear people laughing, even if it's at your expense. You can afford it, you crabby old dink. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. If your fuse panel causes a brownout, call an electrician. If your septics causes one, call me. Well, talk about havin' a good day. I got harold to agree to be bernice's substitute partner for the line dancing contest. So she's happy. And then I sent him over there to practice with her, so I'm happy. [ wolf whistles and cheers ] what are you doi'' here, harold? Well, she cancelled the practice. What? Yeah, she's coming down with the flu. Oh, she's going to be okay. She's just not going to be able to compete in the line dance competition. Oh... Well, I guess that's the end of that, eh? Which is too bad, coz $1,000 is a lot of money. Pardon me? First prize is $1,000. Well, w-w-wait a minute. We could still compete. W-w-we? Who we still? You and I. You and I. You and I as a couple. A couple! Yeah. Couple of what? A couple of winners, harold. C'mon we can -- we gotta do this, eh? I'll owe you huge. You'll owe me gi-normous! That's fine. C'mon, you gotta show me all the steps. Well, aren't you afraid how bad you'll look line dancing? No, I'm afraid how bad you'll look in a skirt. Oh -- red: You know, I never played socc -- oops. Never played soccer as a kid, so bill and I were supposedly going to play some soccer. Kind of ran over the soccer ball there, so it may -- he said, don't worry about it. He's got another one in his pants. I thought he meant soccer ball. Wow. Thank gosh for medicare. Okay, well, how're we gonna blow that up, bill? Ah, no problem. Okay. Wow. No, thanks. You handle the pump until it dries. I should'a told bill I was gonna pull the needle out because it relieves the pressure, and -- nah, he's fine. He's fine. And you know, the thing about soccer is I think you need to play it as a young man. I think it may possibly be a young man's -- it might be a young man's game. I think takin' the game up at 50 is probably kinda dumb. And you know, it's not as easy as it looks. So I had an idea. I just tried to help bill up, or he tried to help me down -- I'm not sure how that -- I'll just tow you. So the idea was that I would duct tape the hockey stick to the handle of the pump and we'd get a little more leverage, 'cause what I wanted to do was really over-inflate this ball. I wanted the balls to be a little bit larger. Uh, you know, I may possibly have overdone it a bit on the size of the ball. Now we're both afraid it's gonna blow, and it was the pump that went. We got a great idea; we got the ball out there. And the reason that we need such a big ball is that we're not gonna kick this ball. It's not soccer, it's soc-car now you're talkin'. All right, so this is my goal. I get down to this end, and here we go! Down the other end. And bill reaches for the trunk button. And bang! Up and over. I go down, and I come out the back end of the van, and then he's got the door goin' good. And he hit the post! And then he hits her again -- shoots her again. We have very poor defence on our team. And he still keeps hitting that post. So I come up, and I've got the hockey stick on the door, and I give her a good banger, and up she goes. And now he grabs the hood release and flips her backwards. A great shot! Wow! And now he spins around. I'm comin' right at the darn thing. Headed straight at him. Thing goes right under the hood. Now, bill, you can't drive it in! You gotta punch it in. Red card! Red card! Red card! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind the game, but the celebration kills you. No, this isn't some kind of weird same-sex wedding gift. It's the hose off a vacuum cleaner. I've extended it a bit coz I'm gonna use it to depopulate this beehive. When it comes to the birds and the bees, I'll take the birds any day. [ crow cawing ] this vacuum hose will be like a tiny casino. The bees won't be able to pass by without being sucked in. Now we just add a little patience. You know that guy who sang that waiting is the hardest part? He sure wasn't a lodge member. [ vacuum continues sucking ] ah, there we go. That was the queen. Well, mission accomplished. Or as shakespeare would say, hey, you sons of bs, where's they sting? You're probably wondering, what do I do now? Now that I've got hundreds of bees inside my vacuum cleaner. Well, up at the lodge, we're environmentally friendly. We have a catch and release programme. [ cheers and applause ] yep, you are looki'' at the new possum lake area line dancing champions. Thank goodness there was no urine test. That was fun. That was fun. I enjoyed being a girl. Uh-huh. Well, it's not a huge stretch for you. Speaking of huge. You owe me huge. Yes, I do, harold, and I'm gonna pay you huge. You know that $1,000 prize? Yeah. I'm gonna give it to you. All of it? All of it. The whole shebang. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, uncle red. Ohhhhhhhh! Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, that is so generous. Yeah, well, you earned it, harold. I mean, you were great. Great eye contact with the judges. Your leg kicks were incredible. I mean, you really sold it. I did, didn't I? You liked the leg kicks? Yeah. But you know, if you ever do that again, you might wanna make another choice in underwear. But still, giving me entire $1,000, uncle red. You know what? I'm gonna buy you something with part of this money. Okay. Okay. Well, as it turns out, it's not $1,000 cash, okay. It's $1,000 worth of line dancing lessons. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, tami-sue, I'll be right down. [ applause ] okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And don't worry, I'm gonna take care of you. I'm a good enough line dancer to know where the line is, even though I may dance around it a little. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and haroldine and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down! All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to... I guess. All right, men, apparently harold has a brief announcement. I have been receiving a lot of unsolicited attention lately. Yes, the flowers have been nice, but I do want to remind you that I am engaged and I am a lady. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com